


Unsure

by notasammich



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Destiel - Freeform, M/M, Relationship Issues, Supernatural Season 4, anna milton mentioned - Freeform, cannon sex between Dean and Anna, first time fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-07
Updated: 2017-02-05
Packaged: 2018-09-15 10:58:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9231878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notasammich/pseuds/notasammich
Summary: This fic was originally posted in January 2009 on LiveJournal.Original Summary:  Castiel is unsure about his feelings for Dean until one night...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've been writing fanfiction since 2009 but I've never made an AO3 until now. I'm transferring my fics here from other fanfiction sites largely without editing because if I tried to edit them I would never get them transferred.

Castiel was confused. Although, he had to admit, this was no longer a rarity. As of late, his existence had become extremely... complicated. 

Since he had delivered the eldest Winchester from his place among the raging hellfire, Castiel had experienced an unfamiliar affection for the boy. At first, he had dismissed the strange sensations he felt as sympathy. It was easy to persuade himself into believing this lie, because all feelings were alien to him and at least sympathy was more acceptable than the reality.

The truth was he was in love... with Dean Winchester. He had struggled with the idea for what was weeks on earth but really more than a year in heaven. So many questions filled his mind: Why would God present him with this fractured Adonis, make him love him, and then forbid Castiel from touching him? Was this a test? Was God just being cruel? He found no answers in heaven or on earth, just further encounters with his living temptation.

One night, however, he could no longer stop himself from loving the beautiful young man. Sam had once again disappeared into the night to court his demon lover, while Dean remained asleep in the hotel room plagued with memories of his time in the pit. Watching Dean in such agony made Castiel feel as if his insides were being slowly shredded but there was little he could do to help the tormented young man. All he could do was keep watch over the sleeping Winchester and hope his presence provided some sort of comfort to the young man. It bothered him immensely that, although he had once saved Dean from eternal torment, he could do nothing to save him from the hell that the young man visited nightly in his slumber.

Castiel felt that he had sat there for eons beside the hunter who was tossing and turning violently in his sleep, before the young man awoke abruptly, gasping for breath. At first, Dean failed to notice the angel sitting on his bed; his normally sharp instincts were overwhelmed by the lingering effects of his memories. Castiel couldn't help noticing how open the young man's face was. His entire body radiated fear and pain as he tried to settle himself.

A creaking of the mattress springs alerted the elder Winchester to the angel's presence. The boy's face immediately hardened and all his emotions were once again hidden from view. God's warrior watched as Dean attempted to compensate for the display of emotions, he knew the hunter viewed as weak, with humorous banter. Previously the angel had allowed the boy to evade his inquiries and suppress his emotions, because, he told himself, it would be easier on both of them. However, this time, he could not allow it. He has witnessed the hunter's pain and could no longer ignore it. He had to help the beautiful broken young man.

So he did the first thing he thought of... he kissed Dean. Interrupting the hunter in the middle of some probably blasphemous comment, Castiel had laid his lips upon the young man's in the hope that it could lead to healing. The angel had been pleasantly surprised when Dean began to kiss back with added fervor. The young man quickly took control and the angel found himself pinned between the hunter and the bed with little clothing remaining. Before they went too far Dean put a hand on the panting angel and looked down upon him, silently asking for permission. Castiel took the opportunity to look deep into Dean's face. He cared wholeheartedly for the young man but knew he was risking a lot. He was unwilling to risk his place in heaven if this was just another one of the anonymous one-night stands that the elder Winchester boy was known for, but when Castiel stared into his brilliant green eyes they were filled with love not lust, a love that the angel knew was worth the risk. After allowing Dean to love him, they lay side-by-side upon the motel bed both utterly exhausted.

The elder Winchester quickly fell into a dreamless sleep. Castiel, however, was unable to rest. He was uneasy. He expected Uriel or one of the other angels to come down at any moment and exile him from the kingdom of god. Despite how unsettled he felt as he awaited his punishment, he only had to look over to the amazing young man laying beside him to know that it had been worth it.

The next thing Castiel knew was that his eyes were being assaulted by rays of light. At first, he struggled to recall where he was and how he had gotten there but a glance at the still sleeping man beside him caused the sleepy fog to be lifted from his mind. He had made love to the oldest Winchester boy and then fallen asleep while waiting for his holy brethren to cast him from heaven. He couldn't help but be surprised and confused. God had to know what he had done, but still he lived. He had lain with a mortal man and yet he had received no divine punishment, not from god nor from his fellow angels. Could this mean that God didn't object to what he was doing? Or that his punishment had merely been overlooked for the time being, due to the angels' preoccupation with the apocalypse? He was no more sure of God's stance on his love for Dean Winchester than he had been last night, but, after having finally gotten a taste of what he had been longing for, he was sure that nothing short of a direct order from The Almighty himself was going to make him give this up.


	2. A Whole New Set of problems

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted on livejournal on January 27, 2009. Unedited from original post (because that way lies madness). 
> 
> Anna causes new problems for Dean and Castiel's relationship.  
> Takes place after "I Know What You Did Last Summer" when Anna first appears.

Just because Castiel had dealt with his insecurities about being with the handsome elder Winchester didn't mean that his problems had come to an end. In fact not long after Castiel awoke in Dean's arms for the first time a new problem made itself known: a new problem going by the name of Anna. 

When the order to eliminate the rouge angel had been passed down from his superiors, Castiel hadn't thought twice about it. The order seemed, at first, to be just another mission necessary to prevent the apocalypse. He had not foreseen the level of demon or Winchester involvement that would both make his task much more difficult and put a strain on budding relationship with the elder hunter. Not only had this mission forced the couple to take opposing sides, but there was also the issue of what the boy that he had thought of as his lover had done with the ex-angel. 

One of the first things Uriel had said to him when they had returned from their mission was "your boy screwed the fallen whore". He had not needed Uriel's declaration to know what had happened. Dean had practically flaunted it in from of him. However, now that he had heard it from an outside source he could not pretend to be oblivious to what Dean had done. He thought that, based on what he had observed of human behavior, he should feel red hot anger at what the man he loved had done but, he didn't. Instead he was enveloped in a cloud of confusion accompanied by a dull pain in his chest that his angelic abilities couldn't heal. 

His problems were exacerbated by the fact that Dean was treating him strangely. Castiel believed he was giving him, what humans referred to as "the cold shoulder." The young man would speak to the angel no more than what was absolutely necessary to complete missions. An outsider would never be able to tell that merely a few weeks before these two beings had lovingly shared a bed. If Castiel didn't figure this out he knew if would simply drive him mad. 

So, he decided to confront the young man he had begun to think of as his lover. He waited until the young man was alone; Sam having stormed out of the hotel room, because he was unable to deal with his brothers ill temper any longer. Dean had just opened his fourth beer when Castiel appeared. Although Castiel stood behind him, he knew that the hunter had heard his approach. The young man choose to ignore the angel's presence and instead continued to stare at the hotel room wall as if it had offended him. Castiel just watched him for a moment before deciding to speak up. 

"Dean?" the angel said, the name coming out as a question. He received no response. 

"Dean" he tried again. Again, no response. 

"We need to talk, Dean." heaven's warrior was thinking about giving up when his companion finally spoke. 

"Unless it directly relates to the impending apocalypse I don't want to hear it" the hunter stated without  
turning. 

"No Dean this is about us. We need to talk." the angel responded. 

"No you need to talk. I need t be left the fuck alone." He got us and began moving across the room, away  
from Castiel. "Oh, by the way there isn't an Us so back off!" 

"Why?" asked Castiel simply. 

"Why what?" asked Dean, confused by Castiel's simple question. 

“Why isn’t there an Us? There was an Us before, where did the Us go?” Castiel asked. 

“No.” Dean responds. “There was never an Us, just a You and a Me and some fucked up shit in  
between that I am done with! You hear me?! I'm done!” Dean began his statement quietly but, by the end he is screaming. Castiel was stuck dumb by the intensity of the hunter's response. The elder Winchester made a move to grab his coat and Castiel knew that if he let him leave he would loose him permanently. He had to say something to stop the man he loved from leaving. 

"Don't go" Castiel tried. "Please." The please made Dean stop. 

"Why the hell shouldn't I leave? I want to go get shit-faced enough to forget about all this angel bullshit. Maybe get some slutty girl with huge tits to make me feel good. Why the fuck not?” 

“Please don’t go because... I care about you.” He paused struggling with the words. "I love you Dean.” Castiel confessed. 

“Bullshit." Dean muttered quietly in response, still not facing the angel. 

"Excuse me?" Castiel asked not understanding what Dean had said. 

"I said 'Bull-shit'" the young man yelled, turning to face God's warrior. "You can't love me because angels can't feel!" He stalked toward the angel. Getting very close to his face he said, "I should have known this lovey-dovey angel business was too good to be true. Now I know and I want you to leave now. I'm tired of whatever game you're playing." He stalked back across the room and collapsed upon the hotel bed. 

Castiel was shocked. He walked slowly over to the young man and asked him "who told you angels couldn't feel?" 

"Anna" Dean responded. He barely looked up. It seemed as it all his anger and energy had drained out of him. Castiel slowly sat down on the bed. He noted that his former lover refused to look at him. 

"If you had asked me six months ago" the divine being began, "if angels could feel, I would have told you it was impossible." Several emotions flash across the elder Winchester's face. His mouth is set in a smug grin because Castiel seems to be admitting that he was right, yet his eyes seem unhappy as if he wishes he wasn't right. 

"I would have been wrong" Castiel continues. Dean is shocked by this statement. "Since I lifted you from the raging hellfire, I have felt innumerable emotions. When I see you smile, I am filled with joy. When I watch you risk your life everyday, I am afraid. When I see everything you have suffered in your short life, I feel sadness and anger. Every time I see you, I feel a love more intense than I had ever thought possible." 

At this final declaration Dean turned to look at the angel as if he is trying to peer into his soul, searching his borrowed face for lies. What he sees seems to satisfy his need because he quickly closes the gap between himself and the angel. He brings their lips together into a deep kiss. Castiel responded with equal passion. The kiss was messy, filled with all the anger, doubt, and frustration that had been tapped inside these two being for so long. They were so close that it may have been impossible to tell where one lover stopped and the other began again. It was as if they were trying to mold themselves into one entity. 

They shift their bodies and are soon lying on the hotel bed. Luckily, the bed was almost underneath them already because neither would have been able to focus on walking long enough to make it down a hallway without crashing into the walls. On the bed, hands begin to explore the rest of each others bodies. Cloths quickly become the enemy as Dean becomes frustrated at the multiple layers between him and his love's skin. 

"Why... do you... have to... wear... so many... layers?" Dean panted, glaring at the offending garments as he attempted to removed them. Castiel batted his hands away and removed both of their cloths so quickly and efficiently that Dean couldn't help but suspect there was angel mojo involved. 

“So are their special angel cloths removing powers I should know about?” Dean teased. 

“mm-OH!” Castiel’s reply is lost in a moan as Dean begins sucking on his neck. Dean loves being able to reduce his usually eloquent angel to a series of moan, so he sucks on that same spot again. He is rewarded with a deliciously wanton moan from the being beneath him. 

Suddenly the tables are shifted and Dean is the one moaning as Castiel launches a passionate attack on his chest. The angel licks and bites his way up his lover’s torso in a way which makes Dean turn into jelly beneath Castiel’s skilled mouth. The only sound heard for the rest of night is moaning and the occasional squeaking of mattress springs.


End file.
